Stan

By Eternuer

My sneeze has blown I'm wondering why
I have to sneeze at all
Morning rain clouds up my window
I've caught a cold again
Even if it's not, it's an allergy
And it's getting up my nose
Irritates me but it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

My sneeze has blown I'm wondering why
I have to sneeze at all
Morning rain clouds up my window
I've caught a cold again
Even if it's not, it's an allergy
And it's getting up my nose
Irritates me but it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

Dear Slim

I mailed you but you ain't replied
I left my pager, my mobile and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two emails yesterday, you must not have got 'em
There probably was a problem with the server or something
Sometimes I put the wrong addresses when I'm mailin'
Anyway, so fuck it, what's been up man? How's your sneezin'?
My girlfriend thinks my fetish is cool, so I'm having fun
I read the stuff with Sneezy Dad and Sneezy Son
I've known forums break up over things like that, don't let it happen to this one
I know you probably hear this every day, but I'm your biggest fan
I check your site every day, don't miss a thing, man
I've got discs full of your wavs and your stories, man
I like the obs, too, they're hot stuff
Hope you get this, man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

My sneeze has blown, I'm wondering why
I have to sneeze at all
Morning rain clouds up my window
I've caught a cold again
Even if it's not, it's an allergy
And it's getting up my nose
Irritates me but it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

Dear Slim

You still ain't mailed me back
I hope you have the chance
I ain't mad
I just think it's fucked up you don't answer me
If you don't wanna talk to me for long, you don't have to
But you could drop me a line just to say thank-you
See, I'm just like you in a way, I never thought anyone else had this either
I thought it was just me who got hot over a sneezer
My girlfriend's not so keen now, she says I'm freakin' her out
But she don't know you like I know you, Slim, I know what you're about
I can relate to what you're saying on your site
So 'cos I feel shitty, I'm on it day and night
'Cos I don't really got shit else, so that shit helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo saying SNEEZE across the chest
Sometimes I carry pepper round to try to make girls sneeze
It's like adrenalin, the thrill is such a sudden rush through me
You gotta mail me, man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours,
Stan
P.S. We should sneeze together, too

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Good-To-Mail-Folks-Back

This'll be the last email I ever send your ass
It's been ages and still no word
I know you got my last two emails, I pasted the addresses, so they were perfect
You've really pissed me off, man, you hear it?
I'm drunk now, I'm drowsy, and all I wanted was a lousy email or a call
I hope you know I wiped all'a your shit off my discs
I love you, Slim, we shoulda been together
You've ruined it now
I hope you can't sleep and you dram about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you scream about it
I hope your conscience eats into you
See, Slim...
Shut up, bitch, I tryin' to talk
Hey, Slim, my girlfriend's screamin' over there
Now she has to sneez for me, 'cos I tied her up, and if she don't, she don't eat
I lost my job 'cos I was always on your site
My life is *really* getting shite
Remember that story by Sir Sneezalot, about that guy who made a drug to stop people from sneezin'
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued *me* from freakin'
Ah well, gotta go
Oh shit! I've spilled beer on my board
AH! AH! AH!

(Sizzling sound)

Dear Stan

I meant to write you sooner, but I've just been busy
You said you got a girlfriend, how is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you like my site
Maybe you could write some stories, you've got the style
But what's this shit about carryin' pepper round?
I say that shit just fuckin' around
And what's this shit about us sneezin' together?
That typ'a shit'll make me not wanna speak to ya
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
Or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you read this email in time, before you hurt yourself
I'm seriously concerned about your mental health
I'm glad you enjoy my site, but, Stan, why are you so mad?
Try to understand that a fetish should be fun
I don't wanna see you come undone
I read this one shit on the forum today that made me sick
Some dude was drunk, and tied his girlfriend up 'cos she said he was gettin' weird
But he spilled beer on his keyboard and electrocuted himself
And she got loose and called the police
And he'd been emailing some guy who'd pissed him off
But they wouldn't say who it was to
Come to think about it, his name was...
It was you!
Damn!