Last Night a D.J.
yawned and looked at his watch. He’d never been much of a clubber, but his
mates had dragged him down, yet again, to
'I must be old before my time,' he sighed to himself.
who wasn't particularly good-looking and not at all fashion-conscious, Mick
usually missed out on the main reason people went to
'At least I can get home soon and get to bed,' he said, attempting to console himself.
It wasn’t much of a consolation. He’d be going to bed. Alone. Again. Meanwhile, his mates would doubtless be taking some buxom lasses back for a bit of extra-curricular activity. It was hardly surprising; what could he expect, being a maths (yawn!) student, a trainspotter, and a sneeze fetishist? No one knew about that last bit, fortunately. That would really drive the girls away. Not that he had any chance with them anyway, but still.
No matter how bad things were, ever the optimist, Mick reflected that they could always get worse. A case in point: earlier in the evening, he had made an unsuccessful attempt at flirting, mustering up his courage and approaching a pretty blonde lass.
'Er...excuse me...would you like to dance?'
'Er...excuse me...would you like to dance?' the girl's brunette mate mimicked him, 'No-one's said that for fifty years!'
'Aw, c'mon, Shaz. He's kinda cute, in a, like, nerdy kinda way.'
'Just for a bit?'
The blonde then deliberately danced stupidly, showing Mick up. He went bright red.
'Get real! Do you really think someone like me would be interested in someone like you? Get back to your trains!'
The girls had laughed as he’d walked away, dejected, turning back to see a good-looking skinheaded guy slip his arms round the blonde and start chatting her up, as she gazed into his eyes, obviously interested in him.
'Why can't I be like that?' mused Mick, 'But I'm not. I'm a nerd. And everyone knows it.'
As 2 o'clock approached and another thumping dance record came on, Mick gazed at the female DJ, Donna Dynamite, a few feet from him at the deck.
Dynamite was an A-grade honey. Every guy who went to
Suddenly, the gorgeous DJ's face took on a slightly surprised look, her nose wrinkling a little, and both her dainty hands rushed up to her face. She let out a sharp, strong, ‘AH-ISHH!’
The sneeze was quite loud, audible to Mick even in the midst of the loud music.
Mick checked himself, 'Did I imagine that?'
A second time, the lovely DJ sneezed, in the same fashion, both hands over face.
'At least I've got something out of tonight!' thought Mick, optimistically.
Those sneezes were now stored in his memory bank, ready to download at any time, and they certainly would be. He moved a little closer. He was eager to capture the whole event, engraving it into his mind for time immemorial.
’AISH-OOO!’ Donna Dynamite sneezed again, this time bending forward with what was a strong sneeze by any standard. Mick got the feeling he wasn't going to go straight to sleep when he got home, after all. ‘AISHOOOO! AH-*ISH*-OO! ISHH-OO!’ Sneezes four, five and six joined the party. Mick was tripping on acid. He inched closer, just as the stunning DJ let out another. ‘AAAISHOOO!!!’
'Bless you!' he said.
'Thank-you,' she replied, smiling, slightly embarrassed, her nose a little red and her eyes a little watery.
‘A-*ISH*-OOOOO!!’ she sneezed again.
‘*Sniff* Thank you. You're such a gentleman. It's not often a guy blesses a lady when he hears her sneeze, but I think it's really nice. AH-ISHH!’
Well, if it had worked twice already… Mick smiled and, again, said, 'Bless you!'
As luck would have it, Mick had a tissue in his pocket. He offered it to the stunning DJ.
‘AHH-ISHOOO!’ She sneezed right into it, then said, 'Ta.'
'Have you got a cold or something,' Mick enquired, hardly able to bear the excitement. He was oblivious to anything except the beautiful sneezing DJ.
'No. I find the smoke in nightclubs makes me...AH-ISHHOOO! Excuse me, sneeze. It happens a lot. I might have to stop DJing, actually.'
'That would be a pity...Because you're such a good DJ, that is,' Mick said, hastily covering his tracks. Or so he hoped; what an embarrassing blunder to make…
'Thank you. You're really nice. Not like some of the scumbags you get in here. I'm really not into all that, “Alright, darlin', my name's Mick, wot's yours” stuff. What is your name, by the way?'
They both laughed.
'I'm Liz. Donna Dynamite's my stage name... AH-ISH-OO!’
'Bless you,' Mick repeated the winning formula, smiling a little, 'It's really not nice when you have allergies, is it? My mum has terrible hay fever.'
'Thank-you,' Liz smiled back. 'So do I. All summer, I'm sneezing my head off.'
'Ah. Poor you.'
Mick was swimming in bliss. Here he was, Mick the nerd, chatting away to an indisputable sex goddess about her sneeze life. And she liked him! Could this night possibly get any better?
Hoping he wasn’t pushing his luck, Mick asked, 'What medication do you take?'
'Sniffleless is useless. Try Stopusneeze. It worked for my mum. She hardly sneezes at all now in the hay fever season.'
Mick silently kicked himself as soon as the words had escaped his lips. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was stop this babe from sneezing. Why had he said that?
'Thanks for the tip. AH-ISHHH!’
'Thank-you. I think it's really nice, the way you're so considerate about my sneezing. Most guys don't take notice of things like that. Their minds are only on one thing.'
Mick couldn’t help thinking, oh, the irony!
'Wait a minute.'
The record was fading. Donna's voice came over the loudspeaker. 'I thought you'd like that one. Now let's see you large it to the last tune tonight, 'Technostorm' by Prima Tertia... AH-ISH-OOO! Oh, s’cuse me! Sorry about that. Slight technical hitch. Here's Prima Tertia.'
Liz had passed off her sneeze with a joke, but Mick could see she was a little embarrassed by the loud sneeze she had just blasted into the microphone. He made a comforting noise, but then reflected that she probably couldn’t hear him over the music anyway.
'I'll give you my number.' Donna said suddenly, giving him a blinding smile that nearly took his breath away. Leaning over, she scribbled it down on a piece of paper and handed it to Mick. 'We'll have to go out for a drink. Only, nowhere smoky.'
The two giggled.
'I'll give you mine,' replied Mick, and did likewise. He could hardly believe this was happening.
'I say to a lot of guys I'm giving them my number, but I just write anything down. But that really is my number. Because I like you. Really.'
'I like you, too,' was all the awestruck Mick could manage.
The pair parted with a kiss, first attempt at which was interrupted by another unexpected sneeze from Liz. It was an innocent enough kiss, but Mick knew from it that more, much more, lay ahead. The thought of all those possibilities stretching out before him nearly made his head swim.
When Mick caught up with his mates, they were anxious to quiz him about his rendezvous with the DJ.
'I'm saying nothing,' he smiled.
'But, Mick, how did you do it?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Not even a snippet?'
'Well…’ Mick paused, enjoying the eager grins and puzzled expressions on the faces around him. He gave a small laugh, unable to help himself, and then said, ‘I'll just say this. If you hear a girl sneeze, say bless you!’
hardly believe his luck. A date, his first since he’d started university; and
not just any old date. Donna Dynamite, the dreamy DJ from
But that wasn't the whole story for Mick. Never could be where sneezing was involved. He was an honest-to-God sneeze fetishist; and he was, to put it lightly, terrified that his delightful date might cotton on to what had been the first – though by no means the only – thing that had attracted him to her.
Mick sat in Laissez-Fayre restaurant (he was stretching his wallet for the occasion) and thought about how he had made an effort to look sharp, wearing a suit and tie, and shaving for a change. Sometimes he wasn't so bad looking after all. Maybe it was his nerdy image that usually put the chicks off.
But he hadn’t repelled Donna Dynamite, and she was a veritable goddess. She could have any guy eating out of her hand. Why would she go for an average-to-poor looking guy who blessed her when she sneezed?
When Donna arrived all eyes were on her, predictably. She looked as mouth-watering as ever, her evening dress providing an elegant contrast with the stylish club babe gear Mick had seen her wearing at Paradise.
“Hi Liz.” He was using her real name; Donna Dynamite was a sobriquet.
While they exchanged pleasantries Mick was wondering when he would get to hear more of those wonderful sneezes.
Damn and blast it, he had been forced to book a table in the non-smoking area because smoke made Donna sneeze; and she had told him she had hay fever, so he couldn't bring her flowers.
He had felt like he was betraying the sneeze fetishist in him when he had asked the waiter to move the strongly scented flowers which were already on the table. A man could take gallantry too far.
But there is more than one way to skin a cat.
“So are you DJ-ing this week?”
“No. The other evening when I got home, I sneezed right through the night!”
Out of the mouths of babes! Mick steadied himself.
“That’s not to be sneezed at!”
Donna laughed, a raucous laugh, which seemed curiously at odds with her exquisite features.
She put on a pair of tiny gold-rimmed glasses. If there was one thing Mick liked, apart from hearing a beautiful girl sneeze, it was seeing a beautiful girl wearing glasses.
“I really do have the most appalling eyesight. I may have to start wearing these all the time.”
Typical! Mick worried that the only reason Donna had liked him in the club was because she couldn't see him too well.
“In fact, sometimes, when I sneeze, they fall off.”
Mick's mouth was dry; his pulse was rapid. She had said that innocently, yet was there the tiniest glint in her eye? No. She was stoking the fires of his heart's desires with all the blissful ignorance of someone talking about the weather.
The starters arrived – soups.
Donna tasted hers. “Not bad, but perhaps it could do with a little pepper.”
Pepper! A hundred clichéd images of cartoon gags involving pepper tumbled through Mick's mind.
She sprinkled the stuff liberally on her soup. A little too liberally, in fact.
Mick saw her whole face begin to wrinkle, as it had the first time he had watched her sneeze.
“AH-AH-AH…” Donna was building up nicely.
“AH-ISHOOOOO!!!” Her sneeze seemed even more exquisite in these surroundings, and even louder, away from the noise of the club.
A few elderly people muttered in distaste at these eruptions.
There was something almost theatrical about the way Donna was sneezing, the way she drew out the build-ups and made the most of the releases.
“Aren't you going to say bless you? I thought you were a gentleman. I'm not so sure now.” She winked wickedly. What did she mean?
“'Bless you!” Mick breathed.
“Mick, you've gone all red. I haven't embarrassed you, have I?"
“No, not at all,” Mick lied.
“I do love a good sneeze.”
Mick felt dizzy.
“Always have. I always feel, well, better for a good sneeze! Blow the cobwebs away, in a manner of speaking.”
It struck Mick how well-spoken Donna was in normal conversation. She drawled a little for her DJ-ing.
“Do you like sneezing, Mick?” Such a seemingly innocent enquiry, so loaded with meaning.
“Well, er, you know, everyone does it, and…”
“I know that, Mick. But do you like sneezing?”
Mick wasn't aroused by his own sneezes, although he had always wished he could be.
“Depends what you mean, really.” Mick got that sinking feeling as soon as the words had slipped out of his mouth.
“What do you mean?"
“Because if you like sneezing like I like sneezing, we can really have some fun.”
Mick entered critical denial. “I really don't know what you're talking about.”
Now it was Donna's turn to go red. “Oh, I'm really, really sorry! I've got you all wrong! It's just…I thought I'd noticed that, when I sneeze, it kind of does something for you. Honestly, I am awfully sorry! The thing is, I've always found it sexy when I sneeze, and I thought maybe you understood. You probably think I'm a real weirdo now. I'll call a cab. Sorry to have embarrassed you.”
Mick stared at Donna, amazed by her confession. He cleared his throat; he started to grin. “All right. Call a cab. But take it back to mine! Because I certainly do have a sneezing fetish!”
Donna and Mick both grinned with sheer delight, and relief. He gazed into her almond-brown eyes, leaned across the table, and kissed her for a long, long time. And she returned his kiss passionately. By the time they had finished, their soups had gone cold, and the end of Mick’s tie had fallen into his bowl. But it didn't matter one bit. Mick settled the bill, Donna called a taxi, and they waited, dazed with anticipation, for a sneeze-filled night of passion to begin.
luck kept getting better and better. The beautiful DJ from
It was mid-evening by the time they arrived at his house; and although it was not late, Mick’s housemates, two guys even more geeky than Mick himself, could already be heard snoring in their rooms.
He grasped Donna’s hand and led her upstairs to his own room, where they began to make love. Mick wasn't a virgin, but he was very inexperienced with women. Donna, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do.
“I brought this along,” she whispered. “Just in case.”
She produced a fine, long feather, with an end which looked so tickly it made Mick want to sneeze just staring at it.
“Can you guess what I'm going to do with this?”
“I hope so.”
Donna began to tickle her nose slowly, ever so slowly...
After a tingling, expectant moment, she started to breathe a little more sharply and quickly. Her face quivered.
That was the loudest sneeze Mick had heard from her, and it reverberated throughout the building. He hoped it hadn’t disturbed his housemates.
Several more sneezes, all just as loud and just as sensual, provided Mick with some feverish entertainment. Life surely couldn't get any better than this, could it?
“Maybe I should call my housemate, Ronnie,” Donna suggested.
Mick's heart sank as she made a call on her dinky little mobile. He imagined a male model type coming over and squeezing him out of the action.
So it was a pleasant surprise to discover this Ronnie was female.
“It’s short for Veronica,” Ronnie informed Mick as he let her into his house.
She too allowed him to take her hand and lead her up the stairs (which seemed ever so creaky, and ever so likely to wake one of his housemates).
Ronnie was a tall black goddess, with sparkling deep brown eyes behind a pair of tiny Armani glasses. She had huge breasts and ebony skin.
“Hi, Ronnie,” Donna cooed, smiling.
“Hi, Liz,” said Ronnie, using her friend’s real name. Donna was a stage name.
The two women grinned at each other for a while. Donna was naked and Mick was wearing only the T-shirt and jeans he had put on so he could let Ronnie into the house. But Ronnie did not seem in the least uncomfortable or surprised.
“Ronnie and I have something to discuss,” Donna said to Mick. “Will you excuse us a moment?”
The girls left the bedroom, holding hands and giggling. Mick could hear their girlish chatter through the door. He hoped neither of his housemates awoke and found the naked Donna standing with her lovely friend on the landing.
After several minutes, the girls returned and climbed on to the bed. They each embraced Mick, and then Ronnie stripped too.
Mick's mouth watered as he watched the two babes before him, in all their natural glory.
“Look what I got you, Ronnie.” Donna reached into her bag and pulled out a second feather. She handed it to her friend.
Each woman inserted the delicate end of her feather up her nose, and, with admirable synchrony, each began the build-up to a sneeze.
Donna got there first. “AAAAISHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAISSSHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!!” She exaggerated her explosions for full effect. “AISHOOOO!!!” She gave her friend a blurred smile. “Come on, Ronnie. Get with the action.”
“AH-AH-HMPH! AH-MPH!” Ronnie was stifling.
“Let it all out, Ronnie.” Donna’s eyes gleamed with desire.
“I can't,” said her friend nervously.
“Yes you can. You know how you always stifle when I'm around? Well, I figured you must do that for a reason. And do you know what that reason is? You are a loud sneezer, just like me. The other night, I pretended to go out, but hid in the closet, and heard you sneeze so loudly, so...magnificently, it took my breath away. Come on. Show Mick how you really sneeze. You would like to see that, wouldn’t you Mick?”
Mick sensed the girls were playing some kind of game. But if they were, he didn’t mind. It was the sort of game he liked, and he was in a state of pure ecstasy.
Ronnie knew she must oblige. But she could surely ask for something in return. She raised her eyebrows. Donna raised hers in mock surprise. She knew what Ronnie wanted; what she craved even as she craved sneezes.
Donna began to finger Ronnie, and Ronnie became moist. Then Donna began to lick and eat her. Ronnie tickled her own nose with the feather, and her sneezes came out in a massive paroxysm.
“AAAAAHHHHHHCHOOOOOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHCHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHHHHCHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Donna was so excited she began to sneeze too; more delicious AISHOOOs.
Then the girls switched positions, Ronnie eating the sneezing Donna; and they proceeded to eat and sneeze for several minutes. They wrapped themselves around Mick, both women pleasuring him in all kinds of ways, turning up and down, and taking it in turns to fuck him. He pounded it to one sneezing beauty and then the other. First one would sneeze into his face and into his mouth and on to his shoulders, and then the other would sneeze on his head and back. Sometimes one of the girls would sneeze on his cock, his ass, his legs and his feet.
Finally, somewhere in the depth of the night, the trio slipped into exhausted sleep.
Mick awoke the following morning to find himself alone. Had he dreamed last night’s encounter? He fought a surge of doubt and disappointment. Then his mobile began to beep. Donna's name showed.
“He-hello,” he said hesitantly and sleepily.
“Hi.” Donna sounded as alert as ever. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”
“Um…No, no. It’s fine.”
“Did you enjoy your night with us, Mick?”
“Did I? Yeah!” (Understatement of the year!)
“Good. We left you sleeping, you seemed so worn out, poor thing. We would have stayed for breakfast, but we’re both busy girls and we had to shoot off. But guess what? I have a little proposition to put to you.”
Mick's heart thudded, threatening to burst out of his ribcage. “Go on.”
“Well, how would you like to have breakfast with us every morning? Ronnie and I need a new housemate for next year. Would you like to move in with us?”
“Sure would!” Mick didn’t even take a second to consider another year with Bald Bob and Spiky Sid.
“Thought you might. I've got to get off to college, but I'll give you a ring, and we can, er, discuss matters a little further.”
“Cool. Bye for now then.”
“Bye. Speak to you soon.”
As Donna rang off, Mick knew he was going to enjoy his next year at university rather more than this one. And did he still feel like the college nerd? No way!